Monday, April 30, 2007

And then...she turned 40

How can it be? I certainly don't feel 40. I know I'm a mom of a teenager, but I still remember all the fun I had as a teenager and it doesn't seem that long ago. I wasn't really worried about this birthday. I was pretty open about it. I mentioned the "milestone" to many people. After all, it's just a number. Why are people so freaked out by numbers? You are the age you are, whether or not you tell anyone, right?

So why does it hurt so bad to say "I'm 40?" I actually had a few teary moments yesterday when I thought, "I am no longer in my 30's." Wow! My mom didn't turn 40 until I was 20 years old, but I'm 40 and my son is still in high school. And let's not even start on the fact that I'm having trouble with accepting that he'll be a senior next year.

I allowed myself one full day of wallowing. I'm really not very good at wallowing. It really consisted of a minute here or there all day long. I might've spent a good 30 minutes wallowing and that was probably more to do with the fact that hubby was sitting in a truck stop in Oregon all weekend long, instead of home with me.

But today, today I'm over it. I am 40 and I am proud. I have a feeling this is going to be a good decade.

My 30's were hard. I dealt with some really difficult issues. I think I finally let go of my childhood. I stopped looking for love and approval where I wasn't going to get it. I stood up for myself. I learned that I do not have to be friends with everyone. And I learned that when you are yourself, the tides will eventually turn.

Of course, mixed in with the difficult was a ton of wonderful memories. I have been blessed with a wonderful son and husband that give me great joy and I have an amazing group of friends. I think the difference is that I used to feel sorry for myself for what I didn't have. Somewhere along the way, I finally realized that that space has been filled by many wonderful people.

As I look forward to my 40's, I'm excited. We won't be celebrating Josh's first steps, but we will be celebrating him becoming an adult. There will be graduation(s?), and farewells, maybe a marriage and dare I say a birth. There's no rush on any of that, but the reality is that he was 7 when I turned 30. He's definately not 7 now. He's almost a man; and a good one at that.

So here's to turning 40. I think I will borrow an idea from one of the bloggers on the simple scrapbooks blog (sorry - looked, but couldn't figure out who to give credit to) and I'm going to write down something on my calendar each and every day this year. That's a huge commitment from me, but I think it will be fun.
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